Thursday, September 22, 2016

Werewolves on Hockey In Canada






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Werewolves on Hockey In Canada

The word, Lunacy, comes from the term lunaticus, “Of the Moon”. Myth and tradition have it that the world goes nuts on full moon nights. Just ask any emergency room attendant, police officer or hop framer. Oh, that’s a farmer, a hop framer is a new age arborist trying to make a mint on the next craze, making pictures from organic materials, other than the scare compound called wood. But then don’t tell them that every year the world grows another fifty two trillion board feet of lumber. You really wonder why the world wasn’t covered in several feet of plywood decades ago.
            Does the world go crazy on full moon nights? We do know that the earth is 75% water and that the moon has an effect on the earth by creating tidal effects. Science has yet to prove that while human bodies are also 75% moisture, that the moon has any known effect on us. I’ve never heard of anyone going to the doctor stating, “Doc, I’ve got one hell of a high tide coming on”.
            Several recent studies have been done on the correlation between full moon nights and: traffic accident rates, birthrates, homicide rates, crisis calls, natural disasters, suicide or any physical abuse calls, psychiatric admissions, epileptic seizures, unusual nursing home resident behavior, gunshots, stabbings, and sleepwalking. All have come to the same conclusion. The only lunatics are the myth makers.
            And for us writers or those of the more bizarre calibre of thinking, likewise studies on: bingo, lotteries and casino payouts, have shown the same thing. Zilch. Oh and sorry for those Canadians in the crowd, aggression by professional hockey players (Yes, some mad college students spent six years, thirty-five hundred pizzas, kegs and kegs of beer on this very learned subject, much to the chagrin of their professor). Darn, why didn’t I think of that one when I was in university?         
            And unfortunately for the Mary Shelley and Anne Rice fans in the crowd, no known increases in lycanthropy or vampirism. Although it is reported that there is a sharp rise in the amount of razors sold and barbershop shavings during a full moon. But no evidence has been recorded of patients needing more shaves on full moon nights. Although I don’t know about you, but I swear I feel hairier.
Oddly enough studies have shown that the percentage of cat and dog bites are nearly thirty percent higher to emergency room visits. PS. Don’t walk your dog on these nights and don’t every go walking your cat either. In fact don’t ever take your cat on a walk with a leash. I tried once and ended up with twenty stitches.
            It is known that lions tend to hunt more often on days after a full moon. So plan your next safari accordingly. It has also been reported that binge drinking and arrests for drunken driving at higher alcohol rates do rise on full moon nights. This is where the hop farmers are wringing their hands on potential beer sales. As for the framers, well maybe next decade or try switching to cabbage growing. I hear it has been discovered to have amazing insulation values.
            As for us unfortunate human beings, the only thing proven is that we do average about five minutes less sleep on these nights. Well, there goes my next novel idea, ‘Werewolves on Hockey In Canada’ out the window. I should retitle it to, ‘Bloodshot Eyes and Attack Cat Fever,’ instead.



 Thunderbird's Wake Cover (Soon To Be Released From Books We Love)

The back cover blurb below (if you thought this blog is mad, wait until you run into Charlie Stillwaters. He takes Lunacy to a whole new level and disproves all those scientific studies).


Agatha Christie, roll over in your grave, new sleuths on the prowl.  Haida shaman Charlie Stillwaters convinces Carol Ainsworth, a Vancouver detective, to join him as he breaks his way into a high security prison. The duo are determined to find out who killed the previous native elder before all lightning and thunder breaks loose. They encounter deranged inmates, mystical beings, ancient serpents, wood sprites and someone who should have been dead long ago.
Not your usual crime/mystery!
Not your usual criminal investigators!
You thought Jack Nicholson was mad in The Shining…
Wait until you meet Charlie Stillwaters in the Sweat lodge.


Frank Talaber
Frank Talaber’s Writing Style? He usually responds with: Mix Dan Millman (Way of The Peaceful Warrior) with Charles De Lint (Moonheart) and throw in a mad scattering of Tom Robbins (Even Cowgirls Get The Blues). 
PS: He’s better looking than Stephen King (Carrie, The Stand, It, The Shining) and his romantic stuff will have you gasping quicker than Robert James Waller (Bridges Of Madison County).
Or as is often said: You don’t have to be mad to be a writer, but it sure helps.



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