Thursday, October 22, 2015

An Iconic Character

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An Iconic Character

Hello ladies, gentlemen, tree spirits, annoying ravens, goblins, hebegebes, spectral entities, witches and any other assorted bizarre beings that want to hear about me. By the way a couple of these I just threw in since it is getting near All Hallows Eve and thought it might make good exposure. Most of these beings are what I’ve spent my life fighting, playing poker with (by the way ever play spectral poker, you are allowed to read the others minds in order to see their cards, brilliant. Well until you play a drunk chipmunk and all he could focus on is the ace. Boy did I lose a lot of hazelnuts that night. PS. A good hint, if you play a bear, make sure all the salmon are expired, otherwise you throw them on the table to call someone’s bluff and they just flop off the table, making a mess, spilling all the fermented apple juice and usually getting the bear quite upset. Not a good thing.) I try to stick to Tiddly Winks with bears. Much safer. They Tiddly and I wink.
                I’m Charlie Stillwaters, Haida shaman or Ska-ga as we call ourselves, officially Union member three, local one. Yes, not a big union, but then how many shamans do you know personally. One of the biggest questions people ask of me is, why do I wear a Toronto Blue Jays ball cap? I had been given a Montreal Expos as a kid, many decades ago by some mad Frenchman. I don’t get the French, they make up all these words, its like they have a different one for everyone we’ve got. Okay except for toques and poutine. Hate toques, with two long flowing grey braids like I got it’s a bit of a pain to tuck all of that underneath. Not to mention heavy, I really don’t think Heidi would have ever worn a toque.
But poutine, now there’s a shaman’s fav meal. By the way I still got the old Expos hat on my dresser, festooned with collected pins. I just got tired of people asking “why are you wearing the ball cap of a team that isn’t around anymore?” In the end I did cure old Frenchy of some sort of possession he had, wished I could have cured him to speak proper English. Like I said it’s like they’ve got a different word for everything we say.
                So, another plug here, I love watching baseball on the TV in the only room of the cabin where I live that has electricity. If you’re wondering why? It’s because all of that electrickery messes up the flow of the earth and keeps some beings, aka earth spirits, from being in contact with me. If Dr. Suzuki were listening he’d probably call it the Earth Network. I also watch a lot of documentaries, that’s where I learn a lot. People ask why I’m so smart and sometimes throw out big words like iconic. Aw shucks, it’s just nice to impress, before I whack them in the head with my Orca headed cane. Hey, there aren’t many people that can claim to have watched the history of coffee eighteen times. I should like hockey really. But that little black thing is so hard to concentrate on with my little fourteen inch screen. Hockey pucks are great though for things like weighing down papers, nailing loose nails in and bouncing off the heads of bothersome ravens. PS, a note to tourists, Canadians are a docile lot, until they get a hockey stick in their hands and then it’s like something hairy just bit you and the full moon just came up.
                What made me become a shaman I’ve often been asked. It was Lucy Klintu, my childhood sweetheart. The one. A kiss, a touch sometimes is all it takes to know. She died in my arms when I was sixteen, I couldn’t help her then, and swore I’d help others by becoming a shaman. I know, should have become a doctor, but I get squeamish at the sight of blood. Some way or somehow I’ll be with her again and we’ll be singing to all of my Roy Orbison songs. Which I know off by heart, word for word, only don’t ask me to sing karaoke, bad idea. Like listening to a badger, a robin and a grizzly bear trying to sing the Beatles, “She loves you”, in all those yeah, yeah, yeahs, all at the same time. NO, no, no.  
So you might say I’m kind of a living off the land type, except I can also live in the land and through it. That’s what being a shaman is all about living on that edge of sanity. Which many people that have met me think is questionable.

Oh, and did I mention poutine? Great stuff, except it attracts wolves and Sasquatches in heat. And I know you’re going to ask why in heat? You go and ask, that’s a Bigfoot thing and I never been brave enough to inquire. Just Tiddly and wink I say and leave a few fries for me. Anyways, there’s always more poutine to be had. People have sometimes called me an iconic character, but I keep telling them I’ve never done stand up.

                                                                    HOT OFF THE PRESSES 

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