Things I Learned From Midsomer Murders, by Karla Stover

 

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We pay over $200 a month for cable and can't find anything to watch. We don't care for the assorted amateur hours, a.k.a  The Real Housewives of. . . (who do they think they're kidding?) ; America, Britain and every place else Has Got Talent, Dancing With the Stars, etc. ( In 2006 Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelenskyy was a contestant on Dancing with the Stars Ukraine ). The comedies aren't funny, and every show seems to want to tout a message. So, for about the 4th time, we are watching Midsomer Murders (M.M.)

It's been a longtime since we visited Great Britain and then most of the time we were in Cornwall from where my family hails. So M.M. is my source of all things English. Here are a few things I take to be true because would M.M. lie?

1.  Everyone has a local (favorite pub.) Even Price Willian and Duchess Katherine (she doesn't like "Kate")When we were first married we lived in an apartment three blocks from a pub. It started as a private home in the 1880s and became a pub in 1935. Being poor meant we lacked the funds to go there. I just checked and there are no quiz nights.

2.  No one watches TV. Maybe it's because they're always at their local but apparently no one in England watches TV.  Here I am, so eager to get BritBox and the Brits don't seem to care about their wonderful programs.

3.  Everyone walks around outside at night and often through the woods. Well, it's pretty hard to own a gun there so it should be safe. Watch the show, though, and you'll know it's not.

4.  I found this on reddit.com: "So what the hell is up with all the fetes? It's like these villages have a freakin' fete ever weekend or something. And the COCONUTS? Everybody goes to the damn fete hoping to win a coconut. I mean, Gavin Troy dropped like forty pounds trying to win a stinky, rotten, misshapen coconut." Real fêtes in Midsomer have games, cake stalls, cream teas, Pimms,(?)  raffles, baby shows, dog shows and the biggest homegrown onion, or any other allotment-grown vegetable, competitions. Typical games include skittles, hoopla, quoits, knur and spell (one game not two) and Aunt Sally,  tombolas and home produce such as jams and pickles. Now, here's something weird: the cakes and cookies are never covered up. Apparently drying out, attracting bugs or people breathing on them isn't an issue. I tried to find out how many episodes had a festival or fete but apparently no one has counted because google didn't know.

5. The second Mrs. Barnaby (Joyce) wife of the main man ergo British wives in general have plenty of time for hobbies because they never do housework. The things I can remember her doing are taking a water color class, doing tombstone rubbings, acting in a play and in two movies, being part of a book club, helping judge an orchid contest and taking a cooking class. Sadly, that didn't take as her husband makes a lot of references to her bad cooking. I'm a bad cook, too, so I guess I fit in with that one.

6. Every garden is amazing. Among all the fetes there are "best-garden-in-the-village" contests. I like to garden but here on the foot hills of Mt. Rainier we have rocky and very poor soil.

7. There are a lot of bad marriages with plenty of affairs. How sad.

I'm sure there is more but if we ever relocate to England following this list will keep me plenty busy.