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Not too long ago, on the way back from the grocery store
(imagine this dramatically emblazoned upon the big screen like a Star Wars
scrawl), my wife suddenly shouted, “Oh, my God!”
“What? What’s wrong?” I imagine the worst, maybe a spider
crawling on the window next to her. (And
believe me, with her that is the worst; once she jumped out of her still
running car when she saw a spider).
“I’ve got the EZ Brite jingle running through my head,” she
exclaimed.
That actually brought me a great amount of happiness. EZ
Brite doesn’t exist, nor does the jingle. It’s a fictional teeth-whitening
product I created for my new comedy mystery, Bad Day in a Banana Hammock. One
of my two protagonists, Zak (an extremely vapid, but good-hearted male
stripper), has the jingle crawling through his head at the most inopportune
moments. Particularly when he needs to focus on why he wakes up with no
memories of the previous night. And next to a dead, naked man.
“EZ Brite makes your
teeth clean, EZ Brite gets out the greennnn…”
By definition, an earworm
is a memorable piece of music that continually repeats through a person's mind
after it is no longer playing. It’s also known as a brainworm; some
people refer to it as “stuck song syndrome.” No matter what you call it,
earworms are insidious and harder to get rid of than poison ivy.
What really surprised me, though, is the amounts of research
scientists have given this phenomenon. A
long list of researchers (too long, too boring to list here) has been studying
this illness since at least the ‘50s. 98% of the population is bothered by this
condition. While it affects both men and women, it tends to irritate women more
and stays with them longer (probably due to the natural tunnel vision of men).
Suggested cures? OCD medication, brain puzzles like Sudoku and chewing gum.
“EZ Brite, nice and
easy, seconds to apply, really breezy…”
Unfortunately, my fictional earworm has been bothering me
since penning my book.
But I had relief over the holidays. Radio stations inundated
us with even worse earworms. You
couldn’t turn the dial without being tortured by Santa Baby. For my wife, it
was Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer. Both equally obnoxious earworms.
Chewing gum didn’t help me (my wife can’t stand to be around
gum-chewers). Perhaps someday, scientists will actually create a true cure for
this sickness that infects 98% of the world. With that high a percentage, you’d
think the men in lab-coats would prioritize it. Maybe they’ll create a
brain-implanted chip that can turn earworms off. I mean, we can “block” friends
on Facebook with relative ease. This just seems like the next logical step.
“EZ Brite goes on
quick, tastes so good, just give it a lick…”
And I apologize for contributing to this sinister disease
with my fictional earworm.
There are more verses of the EZ Brite jingle in Bad Day in a Banana Hammock. There’s
also Zach’s tough, take no guff, ex-detective sister, Zora, who has three kids
in tow and one on the way. She’s also very cranky. Stir in a murder mystery
involving a plastic surgery enhanced femme fatale, a frighteningly large and
deadly European chauffeur, a dead politician, a gleefully loud politician, a
Hillaryesque politician’s wife, a competitive male stripper in a fireman’s
outfit, a conspiracy theory hermit, aging hippie parents, and squabbling kids
and maybe—just maybe—you’ll be distracted enough to not add a new earworm to your
minds IPod.
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