I thoroughly
enjoyed writing Gold Digger Among Us, the story of a cattle rancher who faces
his share of challenges on the twenty thousand acre Tanner Ranch. From a
punishing drought and fiery family drama to the unexpected return of a long-lost
love back to stake her claim, Dade Tanner takes on all comers.
And speaking of
cowboys, westerns and such, my spouse, Michael, was my writing resource for
most things bovine and equine. An outstanding cattleman and horseman and
accomplished gymkhana competitor, he was once featured in Canadian Cowboy
Country magazine. He was an important part of my storytelling, and not
surprisingly we also shared a love of a good western adventure. That includes Gunsmoke,
arguably the greatest western of them all.
I must confess I had
some serious catching up to do because for some reason I never watched Gunsmoke
in its heyday, although I certainly remember it. I do recall once in passing seeing
a tall man standing outside a saloon talking to a pretty painted lady with a
beauty mark on her cheek, but that was it. Nevertheless I was aware of the Matt
and Kitty mystique, the were they or weren’t
they (an item), along with the “Get Out of Dodge” warning that became part
of the popular vernacular. I even used it a few times myself.
Fast forward to
2022 when I was trying to come up with a gift idea for Michael and thought perhaps
he might like to watch some of the old Gunsmoke shows. I believe I chose season
four, volume two, at random. Well, he did like becoming reacquainted with the
series, and it wasn’t long before I was ordering season four, volume one, and
then another season and then another, eventually purchasing the 65th
anniversary collection of the complete series. I was hooked too, buying into
the whole Matt and Kitty thing! Watching like a hawk for any little gesture or knowing
glance between them that might reveal they were more than just friends, and we
found plenty of delightfully incriminating subtleties. I was the newbie and Michael
had never really watched it in that way, so we had some fun with it. It was
also great to see the parade of familiar faces guesting on the show: Bette
Davis, John Drew Barrymore, Ed Asner, Charles Bronson, Gary Busey, David
Carradine, Angie Dickinson, Richard Dreyfuss, Sam Elliott, Harrison Ford, Ron
Howard, Leslie Nielsen, Leonard Nimoy, Jodie Foster, Nick Nolte, William
Shatner, Jon Voight, Aaron Spelling, Robert Urich and Forrest Tucker, among dozens
of others – many appearing more than once.
I adored the
regular cast and didn’t take it well at all when Chester left for greener
pastures after season nine. I may have even threatened to stop watching,
although Festus, his replacement, eventually won me over.
And here’s an
interesting aside. Did you know James Arness (Matt Dillon) stood 6’ 7” tall (6’
9” in his boots) and was a natural blonde? Producers wanted his hair dyed black
with the rationale that he’d be taken more seriously in his role as a US
Marshall.
In any event
onward Michael and I continued with our journey back in time through twenty
years of Gunsmoke and we enjoyed watching it together. And then early one
morning my world turned upside down when Michael died unexpectedly, apparently
from a massive heart attack. There are no words to adequately describe finding
his body, too late to revive him. Straight up, it was a nightmare, only there
was no waking up from this one. He was torn from my life without a good-bye, or
even one more I love you. Taken away
for a mandatory autopsy because of his sudden death at home, we didn’t see him
again until four days later at his funeral.
So many tears.
On my own again,
the silence that filled my days and nights was all-consuming, deafening;
overwhelming. It was like I was underwater, sucked into a terrible vortex, struggling
to find which way was up. I ached for something familiar, something from my
life prior to losing Michael; something that didn’t feel permanently altered. Anything that would bring even the tiniest
measure of comfort. Sitting in the dark late that first night and in such agony,
I reached for the remote and switched on Gunsmoke. I was so sad, tears
streaming down my face, but maybe for an hour or two not so alone.
In the days that
followed, that old classic western became my touchstone because when I pressed
the play button and Gunsmoke came alive on the screen I was surrounded with
familiar voices; family, as I escaped back to Kansas of the 1800’s. As the
weeks passed I watched the rest of the four remaining seasons. There was no one
to share it with anymore, or laugh at some of Festus’ comical quips, like: “I’m so mad I could smoke a pickle”, and
by this time it was obvious that Matt and Kitty were indeed a couple, all
attempts at platonic pretense sensibly abandoned. Whatever, I was among friends
and fictitious as they may have been, they helped me lose myself in their
stories night after night.
I still watch
Gunsmoke from time to time, my favourite episodes, as I continue to heal from
this dreadful loss. Who knew when our little nostalgic adventure began a few
weeks before, how it would end – how anything in our lives will end I suppose,
or when. I’m guessing it’s better sometimes that we don’t know. We are never
prepared for the unexpected, but then is there any good way to lose someone you
love? It would be a different kind of a nightmare to watch your loved one
slowly slip away week after week, struggling to accept that they will soon be
gone and you’ll be left behind to carry on without them. We’ve all been touched
by loss in one way or another, and there is no easy way in any of it. There’s
just the good-bye, and there is never a good time to say it, knowing it will be
forever.
