Grandparenting – The Joys and the Pitfalls

A Visit to the Grandparents by Adolph Tidemand 1859

Everyone undergoes life-changing events. Some are happy, others sad. Becoming a grandparent is, without doubt, a uniquely exciting and enriching experience. Research suggests that grandchildren find exceptional emotional and mental benefits in their relationships with grandparents. A bond of genetically-disposed acceptance and trust is formed between the two. Kids who grow up with emotional closeness with grandparents are less likely to become depressed as adults, one study shows. This well-being extends into the teenage years.

Children find grandparents to be a major source of support during family disruptions. They are taken as role models and mentors for younger generations. Sometimes they're playmates for their grandchildren. They are important in teaching values, introducing ethnic heritage and passing on family traditions.

For grandparents, the presence of grandchildren provide tangible health and emotional benefits. Caring for little ones keep adults mentally sharp, boost social connections and stave off depression. Grandparents who babysit grandkids live longer than same age adults without child-rearing responsibilites, according to recent research. 

While becoming a grandparent bring much joy, some pitfalls may occur, especially in relations between grandparents and their adult children. Even if one has raised a dozen kids, the new parents will assume that grandparents know nothing about raising children. The rule for grandparents is not to offer guidance unless requested. Better to bite the tongue than to offer unasked-for advice.

In the excitement of becoming grandparents, some tread on the toes of the parents when it comes to rules on how to raise the child. Grandparents have to remember that the primary caretaker will always be the parents. Boundaries need to be respected.

Sometimes the birth of a grandchild can trigger old or buried emotions, relating to childhood or control issues. This can occur both with the parents and the grandparents. These will usually go away with time and goodwill on both sides.

Somewhere along the line, both have to let go of expectations. The grandparents may not have as much access to the grandchildren as they desire, and parents may not receive as much support as they want. It is best to live in the moment, to be grateful for pleasant surprises and to enjoy what fortune brings.

Mohan Ashtakala (www.mohanashtakala.com) is the author of 'The Yoga Zapper' a Fantasy and 'KarmaNation' a Literary Romance. He is published by Books We Love (www.bookswelove.com)

Christmases Past by Sheila Claydon

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Everyone is writing about Christmas so I will too but not about this one. Instead I'm remembering Christmases past.

There was the one in Denmark where we drank Julebryg, a special Christmas beer for the festive season. It is released at exactly 8.59 pm on the first Friday of November by the 140 Tuborg Brewery and it fuels most holiday festivities for the next six weeks. And then it's gone. It's a strong, dark pilsner (5.6 percent alcohol by volume which takes the unwary foreigner by surprise)  and J-Day, as it is known, is far and away the biggest day of the year for Tuborg. Danes  pack the bars and spill into the streets where they  sing and dance and wear silly hats provided free by the brewery, all for the chance to get a first taste and welcome the start of the festive season by raising their glasses with a hearty 'Skål!'

And Skål was indeed our most used word that Christmas. Although our hosts were family friends, not all of them spoke much English, so because our Danish is very limited, everyone shouted Skål and  raised a glass whenever they ran out of words. It wasn't just beer either. There was plenty of wine later in the day,  and schnapps was always available, even at breakfast, because this was a farming family, used to coming in cold from tending the animals and drinking a warming shot of schnapps while they refuelled. The breakfast food was very different from what we were used to, too.  Curried herrings  on  dark rye bread, or thick slices of sausage and meatballs, all served as a smørrebrød (open sandwich). Then there was Christmas lunch. This was goose with creamed cabbage and potatoes followed by  risalamande, which is a rice pudding with vanilla, almonds and whipped cream served with warm cherry sauce. The risalamande contained a lucky silver charm so we all had to be very careful about what we swallowed and bit into until someone found it. Gifts were exchanged on Christmas Eve, just before a midnight service at the local Lutheran church where the priest, in his starched white ruff and 3-peaked hat was just a little scary, although not as scary as the real candles that burned all night on the real Christmas tree in a farmhouse with a thatched straw roof. I don't think my husband, who is a health and safety expert, slept a wink. It was, however, a wonderful Christmas.

Then there were the two we spent in Australia, where, after a token Christmas lunch at the request of our son who misses his English Christmases, it was beach trips and B-B-Q's all the way with huge, succulent prawns, whole salmon and thick wagu steak, washed down with some of the fine wines from Australia's famous Hunter Valley and of course the inevitable stubbie (bottle of beer) or tinny (can of beer). Australians are amongst the friendliest people in the world when they've had a drink or two so there were many parties as well, but whenever glasses were raised it was still with  a very English 'Cheers' despite the many language differences between our nations. The difference is that Australians also use 'Cheers' for a great many other things, often with the word mate added. It's used as a 'thank you', or a 'well done' or maybe just 'I heard you' or 'I agree with you'.  Of course after a week of sun, sea and surf and a lot of celebrating the climax to an Australian Christmas is always the firework display on Sydney Harbour Bridge, and we are lucky enough to have friends who live directly opposite...so what's not to like.

Our strangest Christmas by far was in China though. In a country where the 4000 year old tradition of the Chinese New Year (otherwise known as the Spring Festival) is by far the most important calendar event, as well as being the longest holiday of the year, Christmas is nevertheless celebrated by its more cosmopolitan inhabitants. While it is not a religious festival nor a public holiday many Chinese  still consider it a time for celebration when, particularly the younger generation, shop, party and feast. In the cities many of the shops are decorated and there are Christmas grottos where Shen Dan Lao Ren (Santa Claus) greets the children and hands out gifts. The food is very different of course and rarely served at home. Instead, most Chinese people who celebrate Christmas see it as a happy occasion for get-togethers of friends and relatives. Christmas parties might be  at a friend's house, but equally they might be at a McDonald's, a karaoke cafe, a restaurant, or a bar. There is a festive atmosphere, and people enjoy the decorations and the Christmas music. Having said that, with a son who craves a traditional Christmas meal if at all possible, I did receive my biggest challenge in China as you can see from the photo below! I got there though despite being used to a ready prepared turkey, and we then ate out for the rest of the holiday. These celebratory meals took place mostly at huge round tables where we were surrounded by smiling Chinese friends whose own version of Cheers is 干杯 Gānbēi, a word they used a great deal as wine and spirits flowed copiously, and we ate an amazing variety of food, none of which we could name as our Mandarin is next to non existent so we had to rely on our Chinese host to order for us.

So thanks to a globe trotting son, my husband and I can celebrate Christmas in several languages even if our only skill is to say the equivalent of Cheers as we raise a festive glass.

Season of Story and Song

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In December, many cultures celebrate the return of the light in the midst of darkness.  Part of this celebration comes in storytelling and song, For many Native American and First People’s cultures winter was the time for story, and we all know a good story, don’t we?  When the missionaries came to the Huron/Wendat people, they brought the Christmas story, translated into the language and cultural traditions of the people.  And so, to this day, we have the haunting and lovely Huron Carol. This year I look forward to singing it to my new grandchild, quite the little light himself!

'Twas in the moon of wintertime

When all the birds had fled

That mighty Gitchi Manitou

Sent angel choirs instead

Before their light the stars grew dim

And wandering hunters heard the hymn…

Jesus your King is born, Jesus is born

Jesus ahathonhia!

Within a lodge of broken bark

The tender Babe was found

A ragged robe of rabbit skin

Enwrapp'd His beauty round

And as the hunter braves drew nigh

The angel song rang loud and high…

The earliest moon of wintertime

Is not so round and fair

As was the ring of glory

On the helpless infant there

The chiefs from far before him knelt

With gifts of fur and beaver pelt…

O children of the forest free,

Sons, daughters of Manitou,

The Holy Child of earth and heaven

Is born today for you.

Come kneel before the radiant Boy

Who brings you beauty, peace and joy…