Tuesday, March 22, 2016

Where Does A Writer’s Mind Go In The Spring?












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Where Does A Writer’s Mind Go In The Spring?

Spring has sprung, the grass is rising, darn, need to break out my lawnmower again and start another year of mowering and cursering at how I plant one bulb and get eighteen hundred weeds and the raccoons made off with my bulb for a fabulous lunch. So how come they don’t invent raccoon-proof bulbs that taste like curry when they bite into them. Yes, it’s been well documented that while raccoons love Chinese food, especially chop suey, they won’t go near any curry houses’ garbage cans. Small wonder the total population of raccoons in India and most parts of England is zero.
                So spring is about to be thrust upon us once again and that means Easter as well. I’ve already seen geese heading north and hens scurrying about in fright clenching their nether bits in fear. I’ve decided to write about topics in this blog that no other writer has ever written about. How am I doing so far?
                I was going to start with the educational part and talk about how to remove candy floss from your cat’s fur. Only the cat moved every time I tried to stick it on him. Which led me to believe that felines hate candy floss, well except the mouse-flavoured variety.
                So instead I thought of writing about the weird varieties of birds living in the jungles of the planet Eriditae in the constellation of Chickadeea. This is easy to write about since no one has ever been there or even know if such a place exists, except in this universe of a billion, zillion to the one millionth degree of known galaxies. Which would make the sands of the Sahara desert look like a sandbox for fleas in comparison. Hey if I can think it, it has to be out there. And if I can dream it, I can invent it. Just ask Einstein.
                You know, the dude who said something clever before breakfast one morning like E=MC2. He was trying to explain that if E=coffee, M=sugar and C=cream squared, he’d be the first person to ask for a double double. Which he did say to a fellow Torontonian while sitting next to the penalty box during a hockey game. Unfortunately for Tim Horton, he was the fellow sitting in the box at the time. Tim, known for his great elbows and fast thinking wit tied that idea with selling discarded parts of the donut no one wanted. The holes or bits as he called them, gave up his skates and made a fortune, all thanks to Albert.
                Or I could write about how to be polite and not point to rhinoceros crossing the road holding Gucci handbags, but I think that was done before.
                Okay how about this for a topic from my vacation to Bora Bora, where, at Easter. The natives dress up as Elvis on Tuesdays (Yeah, I asked the same question and would have picked Wednesday myself). They dance around in tutus to Saturday Night Fever. But I doubt anyone would believe me, even though I’ve got pictures to prove it.
                Or I could write about the many advantages knitting has over crocheting, but I’m not about to upset my granny. I did ask her once and suffered through three hours, afternoon tea (eight cups), 21 chocolate biscuits and a rather boring lesson on how to properly drink tea while dining with the Queen. I learned my lesson and never dis anyone over seventy on the topic of yarn. I haven’t even mentioned the rude letters I got from disgruntled sheep threatening to see if I like having my hairs sheared. BAAaa-aad
Idea.
                But with spring in the air I realized that I’m not one to write about several silly topics that no one else ever has, well maybe one. No sorry, couldn’t lower myself to those standards and I hear the lawnmower muttering away, “turn me on and let’s have at those annoying green things popping up everywhere.”

                Do you think the Easter Bunny ever has this problem in the fall when he’s really bored? 




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