Was I Supposed To Declare That?

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Was I Supposed To Declare That?

 The main charactor Carol Ainsworth in my newest novel is an undercover detective so when a customer came into my shop and mentioned he was a retired border guard, I was intrigued, especially after he related to me some of his stories. Because as I've discovered in life you can't write something as crazy as some people’s experiences. Fact is indeed stranger than most fiction.

I discovered he had published a book about his adventures in trying to keep our country safe and protected. Man, he had some stories to tell. You are probably all aware that a vehicle can be pulled out of the lineup completely at random, as not everyone follows the rules. Or are actually aware of the rules. (My advice here is make yourself aware of the rules!) Some of the excuses were beyond belief. "What? You didn't ask me to declare that. You should have informed me of everything I need to declare." Which would mean he'd have to spend about four hours going through a raft of books questioning every vehicle’s occupants as to whether they have with them anything that is not allowed to be brought in or is dangerous. Imaging the border queues then, eh?

Drugs are the most likely to be hidden and these people are so smart with their hiding places. They must have to virtually strip the car down to nuts and bolts and re-build it – and then do it all again to get them out! Of course, it’s not only the vehicles they hide them in (and I think you know what I’m getting at!) so if you’re thinking of border guard as a profession, be aware it will involve rubber gloves. They are also asked to help the police track down suspected drug smugglers, as the border guards don't need a search warrant to go through your possessions.

It is also very unwise to present yourself at the border drunk. Especially if you’re the driver. Some so far-gone they can’t stand, some who have attempted to run the border crossing and even some who have presented impromptu “donations”. Sorry dude but you can’t just drive in and pass out in the parking lot. Also, if asked to strip for a search it’s a good idea not to start humming “The Stripper” and trying to entertain the border guard to an “sexy dance routine” complete with flying underwear.

Two of the stories stuck in my mind. The guy who tried to smuggle an older car across the border only to realize he had different plates front and rear. But probably the best (or worst!), and this is where you gotta shake your head in disbelief, was the elderly American couple in the motorhome coming up to visit the "Wilds of Canada, where wild animals and Indians roam freely." Acting on a niggling feeling he asked for a check and found nearly twenty guns and handguns. For self-protection they said! Well after being fined $50 per gun and had them seized, needless to say the holiday came to a very abrupt end and back to America they went. I guess they didn't recon on dealing with the wild and wholly Canadian border guards.

 Sincerely

Frank Talaber

twosoulmates@shaw.ca

Here's two of my Newest reviews for my new novel, The Joining, cover at the top of the page. 

I hate You! My wife who is off on medical leave, won't get out of the bathroom. Can't put your book down. LOL. Bruce W.

I talked to Frank at work and bought four of his novels, all right up my alley, urban Fantasy and Paranormal thrillers. But as we were leaving my girlfriend opened up the copy of The Joining, I had purchased and said, "Stop! You gotta go back I have to buy this book." Frank had hooked her in the first three pages. Well Done.  Joyce Nicholls

Frank Talaber’s Writing Style? He usually responds with: Mix Dan Millman (Way of The Peaceful Warrior) with Charles De Lint (Moonheart) and throw in a mad scattering of Tom Robbins (Even Cowgirls Get The Blues).
PS: He’s better looking than Stephen King (Carrie, The Stand, It, The Shining) and his romantic stuff will have you gasping quicker than Robert James Waller (Bridges Of Madison County).

Or as is often said: You don’t have to be mad to be a writer, but it sure helps.

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