Writing a Police Procedural Made EZ by Stuart R. West

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That’s right! For a limited time only, I’m divulging the secrets to writing a successful police procedural for only ten—that’s right, ten!—easy installment payments (which we’ll discuss later)!

(Disclaimer: Although I’ve not written a true police procedural, I’ve had quite a few cops and detectives tumble in and out of my books. Besides, I’ve seen enough TV procedurals to qualify as an expert.)

Ready? Let's go!

Step #1) Pick Your Lead.

This is the biggest choice you’ll face as a writer: what gender to make your lead. Once you clear that hurdle, the rest of the book will flow naturally. It doesn’t truly matter if your lead detective is male or female because they’re going to share the same traits: hard-edged as granite, muscular, no-nonsense, tough-talking, swagger walking, alcohol-pounding, quip-dropping tough gals and guys. Note that it’s no longer politically correct to have your protagonist chain smoke, so don't even think about it.

Step #2) Pack Your Baggage.

Your protagonist needs baggage, HAS to have baggage. Lots and lots of emotional baggage, so much baggage, it’d put an airport baggage handler into traction. Said baggage may be due to a series of lousy, failed relationships (usually due to a combination of drink, infidelity, and the stress of being On The Job). Or maybe there's the unfortunate passing of a loved one. Maybe your hero has had too many bad encounters with cable guys and has snapped. It doesn't really matter as long as he or she is damaged as tornado debris.

Step #3) Choose Your Lead’s Police Partner.

Another simple step, really, because there can only be two choices. Your protagonist’s work partner is either a newbie, eager-to-please, green-around-the-ears rookie cop; or a slovenly, donut-eating, burned out cop just days away from retirement. There are no other choices. And it doesn’t matter because the partner’s doomed within the opening pages. He may as well wear a sign on his back reading “Dead Cop Walking.” For he will be shot early on, oh, yes he will. And prepare for your hero to raise his/her hands to the sky over the late partner’s corpse and scream, “Nooooooooo!” Bonus points if it takes place in the rain.

(Note: A lot of writers choose to have a man and woman, both from the hard-boiled school, as partners. Naturally while chasing the bad guy, they'll fall into bed. Should you choose to go down that path, it’s fine, but don’t forget to add a little Yin to Yang.)

Step #4) Position Your Police Captain (and Immediately Disrespect Him).

This is the guy in charge. Invariably, he's always bald, short-fused, sick and tired of your protagonist’s lone wolf ways, and one step away from a heart attack. His coloring tends to run stroke-red. It’s a must that your protagonist never shows the least amount of respect for the boss, treating him with cool disdain and quippy one-liners. And it’s important to remember your protagonist should only address the captain by his last name or a colorful nick-name.

Whether you choose to make your captain crooked is entirely up to you. It's a popular choice these days.

Step #5) Master the Maniacal Laugh.

Your good guys are in place. The stage is set. Now things get tricky.

Bad guys are tough to do on paper. The Maniacal Laugh is particularly tough to express in words.

“For you see, Trina, I’ve been killing ice-cream vendors because of a tragic bomb-pop incident in my childhood years. I despise sprinkles. Mwah-hah-hah-hahhhhhhh!”

See? Doesn’t exactly sing in the written word, does it?

But, like it or not, you’ve set yourself up to write a police procedural, and you need an incredibly unhinged villain, lest your tough-as-nails protagonist comes off appearing uncouth, particularly in these sensitive and politically correct times. Maniacal laughter is a must. Please do approach with caution, though, and strive for a modicum of subtlety.

Step #6) Uncomfortable Sex Locales.

I don’t know what it is about these tough cops and detectives, but as a general rule, beds aren’t their number one location to have sex (NOT make love; tough gals and guys don’t go in for that sissy stuff). No, like everything your tough protagonist does in life, there's a tendency to take the road less traveled, a rocky road indeed. The love/lust scenes play out in alleyways (again, cue the rain, thus making it even more uncomfortable), cars, against walls, any place sure to put a cramp in the reader’s leg.

Not sure why, really. I don’t make the rules.

Step #7) Make It Personal.

Your protagonist has to have a personal gripe against your bad guy. It’s nice to tie this into the hero's baggage (see Step #2). Maybe the current serial killer was the hero’s scoutmaster or paper-boy. This will involve the reader in an entirely new level, pulling them in by the lapels (but since Casual Friday is the current popular mode of wardrobe, I suppose lapels are rather dated). Be creative. 

Ta-dahhhh! There you have it! Everything you need to know about writing a successful police procedural. Now all you need to do is go publish and make a kazillion dollars. It's that simple.

A Burned Out Detective Lurks Within!

Old-Fashioned Thrills & Chills by Stuart R. West

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As a thriller writer in the 21^st century, several things gum me up. Like a bug caught in a fly-strip, though, I keep struggling, fluttering my wings over the keyboard.

Technology has stomped on good ol’-fashioned thrills and chills. Edge of the seat, run for your life suspense sequences have morphed into guys looking at computer screens. Bah. If I desired that as entertainment, I would’ve never left the corporate sector. (There is one minor plus, though: in books, you don’t smell the “cubicle odor.”)

I liked the old thrillers when finding a phone booth and a quarter qualified as a life-saver. Nowadays, characters stop at Starbucks, get their java on, plug in, and cybernetically—magically!—find whatever they want. Computers and the “geeks” who wizard over them pull off a seemingly endless stream of deus ex machina. There’s always a guy who can “hack” into any database.  Always. In nanoseconds! Like on all of those TV police procedurals where the stereotypical “goth” girl pulls up information on anybody with hi-tech equipment dreamed up in some writer’s head.

Having said that, I, too, have used “that guy” in my suspense series, Killers Incorporated. These days, it’s hard to ignore technology. But I generally strive to take the road less traveled, working hard to earn my thrills the old school route. Lots of chases, brawls, explosions, double-crosses, unsavory characters, etc. And yes, there’s still “that guy” when I get stumped on a plot point.

I try not to use “that guy” too much. As a writer, he makes me lazy. Predictable. Ultimately boring.

Sigh. But nowadays “that guy” is an unfortunate necessary evil.

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Another change I’ve noticed in thrillers is a heavy reliance on psychology. Back in the day, thriller writers never offered reasons why jerks threw wheelchair-bound old ladies downstairs. They just did it. Gleefully so. No reader really lost sleep over the reason behind it either. The villain just epitomized evil and that was good enough for an earlier, starkly good-or-evil (innocent in a way) era.

These days, readers want “motivation.” Background. Why are the villains evil? 

I dunno, ask my high school bullies. They never offered any reasons for their behavior. But it was always painfully clear who to run from.

Is it pure coincidence that the first four letters of “analysis” are “anal?” I think not. Freud, I’m looking at you. Regardless, nowadays more sophisticated thriller readers demand reasons behind villains’ psychotic behavior. Back stories involving horrible bed-wetting, whatever. Fine, I’ll cop to supplying background motivation to most of my serial killers in the Killers Incorporated trilogy. Except it takes out some of the mystique, the fun of their villainy. That’s why I never delve into “The Man with the Shoebox’s” past. Some things are better off left unstated and he’s one of my favorite characters for it (Just what is in his shoebox anyway?).

Today’s thriller readers like the world of high-tech espionage, populated with rooms full of spies punching buttons and breaking into covert databases. Me? I still prefer heroes who punch faces and physically break into evil corporations’ headquarters. That’s the Killers Incorporated trilogy, an ode to good ol’ fashioned thrills and chills, topped with a dose of sardonic black humor.

One click away from finding out how the action-packed saga concludes!

The Fickle Reaper by Stuart R. West

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I’m Stuart R. West and I write thrillers, suspense and some dark tales. Part of the tropes of that genre is death. Not pleasant in real life, but it’s a plot device readers who seek out such tales expect. A murder mystery without a murder turns into an Encyclopedia Brown tale (“I wonder what happened to that quarter I had in my pocket earlier today.”).

The problem is sometimes I change my mind about characters’ fates. Often it comes down to the wire.  Sometimes I save a character from the Reaper’s scythe because I see potential for him in a sequel. Other times, I flat out have a hard time letting go. I know, right? Fickle.

This happened in both of my books with Books We Love Publishing. In Ghosts of Gannaway, I absolutely knew one character was slated for the great beyond, knew it before I set fingertips onto my laptop. I’m considered a “pantser,” a writer who wings the tale as they go along as opposed to a heavy pre-plotter (I know some writers who use index cards, painstakingly plotting out every move before they begin; hey, it works for them.). But the one absolute I knew before I started writing? The character had to die to serve the story. When the concluding chapters neared, though, doubt began to scratch me. At first, just an annoyance; later, a full-on itch I couldn’t reach. I really liked this character. At the last minute, I pulled a deus ex machina, saved the character.

Secret Society was a different story. Again, from the start I knew this particular character would be destined for death’s door. But as I peeled back layers on the character, he surprised me with previously unseen depths I couldn’t have predicted. A wonderful feeling for writers. Even though he’s not a particularly likable character, I changed my mind. His story wasn’t finished yet.

There’s a saying amongst writers: Kill your darlings. It actually refers to a writer’s need to recognize their own self-indulgent and over-written passages, and then get rid of them. No matter how pretty they may read. (The saying has been attributed to many people over the years, most famously William Faulkner and Stephen King. But it came from Arthur Quiller-Couch, a Cambridge professor who lectured on writing and style.) While I, too, am often guilty of this writing crime, I’m learning how to punish myself appropriately by fixing the writing. Unable to kill some of my characters, though? Guilty, guilty, guilty! I act as the governor of my books, granting last minute reprieves to certain characters. But who will grant me a reprieve from saving my characters?

So I make this pact with myself.  In the future, I promise not to save predestined to die characters. No more Mr. Nice Writer. From now on, you’ll see a meaner (not so much, leaner) Stuart R. West. But at least I won’t be fickle.

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