When to Put a Stake into Santa by Stuart R. West

Click for comedy, suspense and the world's greatest tear-away pants!

Every year around this time, my family invariably finds themselves wrapped up in the same holiday conundrum: When is it time to quit playing at Santa Claus?

Oh, sure, I know some of you are of the mind-set that you're never to old to believe in the magic of Santa Claus and all that eggnog-inspired hoo-hah. But notice I said "playing" at Santa Claus and not "believing."

My parents kept up the Santa mythos for a long time. An embarrassingly long time. We were well into college and my folks would stay up late on Christmas Eve, secretly wrapping Santa's gifts, and always leaving one half-eaten cookie on the cookie tray. Fooling no one. My brothers and I went along with it, rolling our eyes, goofing on it good-naturedly.

But when we saw how tired Mom looked, it was time to put a stake into Santa's giving heart. We told her enough's enough and just how old did she think we were anyway? My Mom was hesitant, big on tradition, but short on the cold, hard truth.

Which is kinda sad, really. Not for us, not for we "kids." But it was heartbreaking for my mom. Clearly, she enjoyed the exhausting ritual more than we did.

I also think it's sad that kids today have a tougher time believing in Santa. When I was growing up, all we had to stand in the path of our belief was common sense or classroom talk.

Now, kids just have to turn on their phones, and boom! They find out Santa's a myth. Plus modern kids are much more sophisticated these days, grade school minds already set on climbing corporate ladders and leaping into piles of stocks and bonds, no time for silly, antiquated traditions.

Last Christmas, my niece--the last in my family to discover the truth about Santa (and I'm not a grandfather yet; no need to rush things along!)--told me where it all went belly up for her. "Well," she said, "my friends were saying that it's just our parents pretending. Then I started thinking that it's kinda impossible for one guy to go down everyone's chimney in one night. And what's up with the Easter Bunny? That's really creepy."

She kinda had a point. A giant bunny sneaking into people's homes? Creepy. And Santa's not much better: a large man who spies on people, keeps lists, and not too far removed from the current "leader of the free world." Plus, Santa only comes out at night and breaks into people's homes. Sorta like a vampire.

So...when is it time to put a stake into Santa and kill the myth? Whenever you want to, I say. But, maybe we should first put a stake into kids' unlimited access to the internet.

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukah, Feliz Navidad, Joyeux Noel, Habari gani, happy holidays, and whatever you celebrate, may there be peace where you reside.

Gonna get coal this year? Stick something fun and light-hearted in your own stocking!

The Show-Stealing Sleuth by Stuart R. West

CLICK HERE TO PURCHASE!

Due to popular demand (at least in my household), book #3 in the acclaimed (mostly), cozy (kinda), hilarious (totally subjective), classy (a lie!) Zach and Zora series about a no-nonsense female sleuth with four kids and a dim-witted, big-hearted stripper brother has just been released to much fanfare (well...more like a raspberry or two).

"Murder most dumb" is probably the best way to put it.

Honestly, I never thought this series would make it this far (and still have some legs to go on for some time). Don't get me wrong...I love the characters and they're lotsa fun to write. But the series almost didn't happen.

True confession time: I wrote the first book as a dare. I was yakking with another author and I just threw out what I considered a ludicrous lead character: a vapid, vain, dense male stripper. So Bad Day in a Banana Hammock was born.

Five pages in, I nearly buried the book. I said to myself (because writing's a very lonely and at times scary business), "Stuart, you can't do this. This guy, Zach, is way too dumb to carry a book."

I answered, "You're right as always (because that's something my wife never tells me). Let's give Zach a sister. A detective. A very pregnant, very irritable sister sleuth."

Boom. 

CLICK FOR THE FIRST BOOK IN THE SERIES

Little did I realize when Zora first entered Bad Day in a Banana Hammock, she'd steal the show. She wasn't meant to. This was her brother's book. But many readers commented how Zora took over the book and was a riot. She struck a chord in many readers, particularly women readers.

I'm not sure why. I could postulate and pontificate 'til I'm stupid blue in the face as to why and most assuredly, I'd be wrong. I usually am. My best guess regarding Zora's popularity is due to her being a strong, smart, take-charge, no-nonsense kinda' sleuth. Even though she's  eight months pregnant with her fourth kid, has the other three in tow, and is trying to save her stupid brother from going to jail for a murder he didn't commit, she never loses sight of her goals.

Maybe readers like her because of the snappy, noiresque dialogue I stick her with. It's a lotta fun to write. If I had my way, I'd have all my characters speaking that way. But, alas, the world's not a Damon Runyon newsroom.

Or maybe the readers like Zora's crankiness. After all, with Zach as a brother, four out-of-control kids, and bodies dropping everywhere, I imagine the patience of Job would be sorely tested.

So. Here we are at book #3, Nightmare of Nannies. Some things have changed. I've tried to mature Zach (gasp!) a bit. Just a bit. But don't worry. He's still dumb. Still the yin to Zora's yang. And as much as Zach drives his sister crazy, there's a natural, comfortable love between the siblings, the heart of the books.

Plus there's a chapter long chase scene involving Zach, a kid on a skateboard, a serial killer van, a mariachi band, an irritated bus driver, and a very, very special pair of tear-away pants.

CLICK FOR MORE EXCITEMENT AND STUPIDITY!

Bad Day in a Banana Hammock by Stuart R. West

For a Listing of Stuart R. West's Books and Purchase Links, Click Here for Stuart R. West's Books We Love Author's Page!

 

 

About Stuart R. West
Author Stuart R. West, just like his smarty-pants books, thinks he's funny. Yet over the years, his family, teachers, bosses, and wife have told him it's just not so. You be the judge.

Bad Day in a Banana Hammock 

 Zach wakes up with no memory, no phone, and no clothes except his stripper g-string. And oh yeah! There’s that pesky naked dead guy in bed next to him. Problem is Zach's not gay. Or a murderer. At least, he doesn't think so.

Only one person can help him, his sister, Zora. Of course Zora's got problems of her own—she has three kids at home and is eight month's pregnant with the fourth. So she’s a bit cranky. But that’s not going to stop her from helping her brother.

With kids in tow, the siblings set how to find the true killer, clear Zach's name, and reassure Zach he's not gay.

Reviewers who DO find Stuart R. West's books funny! 

“An hilarious murder mystery romp. Ride along with Zach and Zora on this most entertaining of mysteries.”
-Heather Brainerd, author of the Jose Picada, P.I. mystery series.

“Bad Day in a Banana Hammock will have you wiping up tears of hysterical laughter.”
-Suzanne de Montigney, author of the Shadow of the Unicorn series.

Book #2 in the Zach and Zora Comic Mystery series!

And coming in October! The third book in the Zach and Zora Comic Mystery series: Nightmare of Nannies.

*Stuart R. West's Books We Love Author's Page: http://bookswelove.net/authors/west-stuart-r/
*Stuart R. West's (totally inconsequential) blog: Twisted Tales from Tornado Alley
*And the rest (like on Gilligan's Island): Facebook, Twitter
 

 

Everything You Need to Know About Kansas by Stuart R. West

CLICK HERE FOR MORE SECRETS OF KANSAS

When I tell people I write books set in or around Kansas, I’m either hit with dumb jokes (“I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore, Toto.”) or derision (“Do they have electricity in Kansas?”). Then they ask “why Kansas?” Besides the first rule of write what you know, Kansas holds a lot of variety and interesting locales for a thriller writer. Really.

So instead of explaining it time after time, I’m going to condense it into a basic primer. Here’s everything you need to know about Kansas. You’re welcome.

FACT: Cowboys and Indians (at least the “traditional” Roy Rogers types) aren’t running rampant through our dirt streets. Back in my college days, I had a friend from Venezuela who told me when he first came to Kansas (and don’t ask me how a Venezuelan ended up there!), he expected shoot-outs in the streets, barroom brawls, and guys in one-piece long-johns with a back flap.

Folks, Kansas isn’t the old Wild West. Not anymore. And it’s not all farmlands either. For instance, I live in a suburb ten minutes away from downtown, Kansas City, Missouri (where my book Chili Run takes place), and ten minutes from the growing, thriving megalopolis of Overland Park, Kansas (where the Zach and Zora books take place). If I feel like going farmland/country (see Ghosts of Gannaway), I can hit that in about thirty to forty minutes.

See? Variety! Everything a thriller writer could possibly want (excluding shark tales, natch).

CLICK HERE FOR KANSAS DONE UP OLD-SCHOOL

 FACT: Kansas still has active pockets of the Ku Klux Klan and the mafia. Not really a selling point, just an unfortunate fact. And good-to-go villains should I ever need them. (Not everything’s up to date in Kansas City.)

FACT: It’s illegal to sing the alphabet on the streets at night in Topeka, Kansas. Don’t ask me why, but it’s true.  It’s also against the law to catch fish with your bare hands so take your penchant for noodling elsewhere, ‘cause it’s not wanted in Kansas. Here’s the best one: at one time it was against the law to serve ice cream on top of cherry pie. Thank goodness they changed that law.

FACT: Kansas is host to the world’s largest ball of twine, the world’s largest prairie dog, and possibly even more disturbing, the world’s largest hairball! That’s right! Kansas is known for its culture, too! (The hairball in question was taken from a cow’s stomach, weighing in at 55 pounds.)

FACT: Thank goodness plans to build a “Land of Oz” tourist attraction in Kansas were scrapped. Not only would it have done more damage to Kansas’s beleaguered reputation, but the last thing we needed were thousands of munchkins causing havoc in the streets. True riff-raff, I tell you.

FACT: Kansas alcohol laws are among the strictest in the United States. Prohibition lasted until 1948, longer than any other state. Until 2003, you couldn’t buy alcohol on a Sunday or have a glass of wine with dinner. Grocery stores still prohibit the sale of alcohol (unless it’s 3.2% beer). There’re some really strange, detailed laws governing alcohol. The legislators had a whole lotta’ time on their hands since they weren’t drinking.

FACT: Kansas led the way in feminism and civil rights! The first woman mayor in the United States was elected in Argonia, Kansas in 1887. And the first black woman to win an Academy Award was Kansan Hattie McDaniel for Gone With the Wind. Take that California and New York!

FACT: Kansas has the largest population of wild grouse in North America and I don’t even know what a “grouse” is.

FACT: Kansas is home to two “Big 12” colleges: The University of Kansas and Kansas State. Oddly enough, they hate one another. I should know. I lived through the KU/K-State riots in the ‘80’s. Just like in the old Wild West, people ran through the streets smashing windows and beating people. I guess not too much has changed after all.

There you have it, everything you need to know about Kansas and then some. And, of course, you can read all about the seedy, secret underbelly of Kansas in my books. 

I dunno…maybe I should just move.

CLICK FOR KOOKY KANSAS COZY COMEDY

Try A Little Cozy - Mystery - Janet Lane Walters

Take one retired nurse and former church organist and her "familiar" Robespierre, a Maine Coon Cat and let them have fun. Cozy mysteries always have a  sleuth who isn't official and that's what Katherine Miller is. There are murders this heroine tends to collect.


Murder and Mint Tea is the first of these books. Katherine is very protective of her family and the story unfolds through watching her interact with her family and neighbors in the Hudson Valley village where she lives. This story can be called "when is the villainess going to die."


Murder and Poisoned Tea shows Katherine involved with the church choir and the very talented organist. This book can be seen as who is going to be killed.


Murder and Tainted Tea takes Katherine to visit her friend, Lars in Santa Fe and of course, there is a murder.


There are three more books in the series. Murder and Bitter Tea has Katherine suspecting that a friend was murdered at an exclusive nursing home. She goes undercover as a nurse to find the villain.

Murder and Herbal Tea again sends Katherine on a road trip to help a friend accused of murder. There is a shop where teas and all that goes with them are the focus of the story.


The final book still has to be written. Murder and Sweet Tea has Katherine married to Lars and living in her dream house on the Hudson River banks. There is a romantic suspense author who has an ex-husband, a stalker and an angry agent.


These books have been fun to write and I hope fun to read. I've been told they show my "dark side."

Writing Humor: I'll Be Here All Night, Ladies and Gents! by Stuart R. West

Laughs! Murder! G-strings! Clicky Here!

Humor’s very subjective. For the writer and the reader. Out of all the genres I’ve written, humor’s probably the hardest. Don’t get me wrong, I have a blast writing my Zach and Zora comic mystery series and I’m always proud of the outcome. The problem is I tend to write aiming at my funny bone. Not everyone shares it. Many readers found the first book in the series, Bad Day in a Banana Hammock, “hilarious.” But one reviewer suffered through four pages and declared it “total trash,” the equivalent of having a tomato lobbed at me if I was on-stage doing a stand-up routine. Tough crowd, tough crowd. 

Of course everyone’s entitled to their opinion, the world would be very dull if that wasn’t the case. But clearly the reviewer didn’t understand the book was a comedy. You can’t please everyone. Especially regarding humor. Readers are very protective of their humor, I’ve found, and everyone has a different threshold and variety of likes.

For instance, I’ve never laughed at an Adam Sandler movie. Honestly, a crackly Jerry Lewis voice and vulgar humor doesn’t do it for me. And, psst! I don’t even like the Three Stooges. Blasphemy among my male peers who would probably want me to hand in my “Guy Card.” It takes a strange mixture of low-brow and high-brow to amuse me.

So, I started writing stuff I find funny. Going into the Zach and Zora books, I knew I might be the only one amused, my laughter the only barometer. Mark Twain said, “Humor is mankind’s greatest blessing.” While I don’t have such lofty ambitions as to be the Pope of humor, if I can make someone smile while reading my books, goal accomplished!

The road to the first book, Bad Day in a Banana Hammock, was a sloppy one, pocked with potholes of doubt and riddled with speed-bumps of hesitation. I didn’t trust that anyone might find it amusing other than myself. Then something happened…badda-boom! Everything seemed to come together.

True origin time! The book almost didn’t happen. I was gabbing with a writer friend one day, grousing about the same-ol’, same-ol’ books we’ve read. I said, “What if I came up with the dumbest lead character in history? How about…a really vain, vapid, stupid male stripper? Yeah!” She laughed, said, “I dare you!” I can’t turn down a dare, especially since it was a double-dog dare. Badda-bing!

So I started writing Hammock. One chapter in, though, I cheated. It became obvious Zach wasn’t strong enough to completely lead a book. So I created his super-competent, super-irritable, extremely pregnant sister, Zora (an ex security specialist), to bail Zach out of trouble when he wakes up with no memory or clothes next to a naked dead man. Hilarity ensues. (I hope). Did I mention Zora’s other three kids who have to tag along for the first part of the investigation?

The second book in the series, Murder by Massage, just released September 4^th. When I accepted that challenge a while back, I had no idea the bet would turn into a series. And I’m having a ball with these characters and hope it shines through on the pages. (But what do I know?) I’ll be here all weekend, folks!

Murder by Massage once again finds Zach up to his g-string in trouble when he stumbles onto another murder. Zora to the rescue! There’re ex-radical hippies, the cult of “Furries,” a g-string chase through the streets, a dance-off, smart aleck kids, bewigged pastors, a dancing and singing detective, secrets, more murder and mystery and I hope laughs. Lotsa, lotsa laughs. And despite Zach’s rather unsavory choice of profession (“male entertainment dancer,” NOT “stripper” as he protests), the comic cozy books are not explicit. Rather chaste actually. Except for a g-string here and there.

You’ve been a great audience ladies and gentlemen!

Don't be left out! More fun and better for you than Pokemon Go!

Brain-Scrambling Earworms by Stuart R. West

Click here to purchase!

Not too long ago, on the way back from the grocery store (imagine this dramatically emblazoned upon the big screen like a Star Wars scrawl), my wife suddenly shouted, “Oh, my God!”

“What? What’s wrong?” I imagine the worst, maybe a spider crawling on the window next to her.  (And believe me, with her that is the worst; once she jumped out of her still running car when she saw a spider).

“I’ve got the EZ Brite jingle running through my head,” she exclaimed.

That actually brought me a great amount of happiness. EZ Brite doesn’t exist, nor does the jingle. It’s a fictional teeth-whitening product I created for my new comedy mystery, Bad Day in a Banana Hammock. One of my two protagonists, Zak (an extremely vapid, but good-hearted male stripper), has the jingle crawling through his head at the most inopportune moments. Particularly when he needs to focus on why he wakes up with no memories of the previous night. And next to a dead, naked man.

“EZ Brite makes your teeth clean, EZ Brite gets out the greennnn…”

By definition, an earworm is a memorable piece of music that continually repeats through a person's mind after it is no longer playing. It’s also known as a brainworm; some people refer to it as “stuck song syndrome.” No matter what you call it, earworms are insidious and harder to get rid of than poison ivy.

What really surprised me, though, is the amounts of research scientists have given this phenomenon.  A long list of researchers (too long, too boring to list here) has been studying this illness since at least the ‘50s. 98% of the population is bothered by this condition. While it affects both men and women, it tends to irritate women more and stays with them longer (probably due to the natural tunnel vision of men). Suggested cures? OCD medication, brain puzzles like Sudoku and chewing gum.

“EZ Brite, nice and easy, seconds to apply, really breezy…”

Unfortunately, my fictional earworm has been bothering me since penning my book.

But I had relief over the holidays. Radio stations inundated us with even worse earworms.  You couldn’t turn the dial without being tortured by Santa Baby. For my wife, it was Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer. Both equally obnoxious earworms.

Chewing gum didn’t help me (my wife can’t stand to be around gum-chewers). Perhaps someday, scientists will actually create a true cure for this sickness that infects 98% of the world. With that high a percentage, you’d think the men in lab-coats would prioritize it. Maybe they’ll create a brain-implanted chip that can turn earworms off. I mean, we can “block” friends on Facebook with relative ease. This just seems like the next logical step.

“EZ Brite goes on quick, tastes so good, just give it a lick…”

And I apologize for contributing to this sinister disease with my fictional earworm.

There are more verses of the EZ Brite jingle in Bad Day in a Banana Hammock. There’s also Zach’s tough, take no guff, ex-detective sister, Zora, who has three kids in tow and one on the way. She’s also very cranky. Stir in a murder mystery involving a plastic surgery enhanced femme fatale, a frighteningly large and deadly European chauffeur, a dead politician, a gleefully loud politician, a Hillaryesque politician’s wife, a competitive male stripper in a fireman’s outfit, a conspiracy theory hermit, aging hippie parents, and squabbling kids and maybe—just maybe—you’ll be distracted enough to not add a new earworm to your minds IPod.