I'm Going On A Writer's Retreat to Retreat From My Life by Vanessa C. Hawkins

 

 Vanessa Hawkins Author Page

      I'm back! Ya-a-a-a-a-a-a-ay! And if you were anywhere near Canada last month, you may have heard--or experienced--the giant internet outage that raged throughout the country. The chaos it caused! I'm talking mass hysteria! Riots in the streets! 

Okay, not really. Though it happened while I was coming home from PEI and leaving the province without access to a debit card was a bit wonky. If you've read my previous post about the Island of Prince Edward, you may know that in order to leave you need to pay money. And in a world increasingly reliant on an invisible cyber universe, not having access to your bank account can make things difficult. 

 But I escaped! And the internet is back, so I can blissfully immerse myself in stupid cat memes, tik toks and other general nonsense that keeps me from doing anything remotely worthwhile during the course of my day to day life! 

Which may be the reason I thought it was a good idea to sign up for a writer's retreat! 

Whenever I write it's always a retreat... from the crushing reality of my own inadequacies...  
*not really*.... cries

So what is a writer's retreat? Well, I suppose that depends... For me, it's offering a chance to escape the mania of my household for a weekend and browse facebook somewhere that is devoid of familial distraction and responsibilities...

For the sake of my sanity. 

But really? It's a chance to write and I'm REALLY FREAKING excited! Not because I'm going to constantly worry about wasting time, but because it's been almost three years that I've had an opportunity to focus on my writing. My husband has graciously been supportive in my decision to go, and it's only a weekend! So I mean, definitely not enough time for them to destroy the house or summon Cthulhu accidently, right? 

Nah... it will be okay. That's a problem for future me. I ain't gonna worry about it until I get back. Present me is excited! Thrilled! Already prepping my current work in progress for all the productivity I am going to encompass!

*True dat*

Maybe I'll leave the computer at home... or buy one of those fancy, old style typewriters to keep me from becoming distracted... What would you do? I suppose I could hire someone to come along and slap me across the face whenever I start browsing the toks! But that kinda defeats the purpose of being by myself for the weekend... and...

...is there such a service? 

  What if I invented one!? What if there's a catalogue of hires you can choose from. They come with you, tell you that you're a great writer and will read all your crummy drafts, SMASH that writers block. 

I think I'd need a tall dark and handsome one... who likes to walk around with his shirt off...

Maybe less Zoidberg and more Mamoa...

Maybe George R. R. Martin should go on a writer's retreat. Maybe if it works for me, I'll suggest it on his social media platform! 

 

At least it's an ending... *Cries again*

Also, how the H-E-double hockey stick does Winds of Winter already have OVER 9000 reviews on Goodreads!? IT'S NOT EVEN OUT YET PEOPLE!!!

Why am I always crying? 

If I Die, Please Delete My Google Search History by Vanessa C. Hawkins

 

 Vanessa Hawkins Author Page

      So summer has sprung and I have been up to my eyeballs in projects. As I said last month, I won second place in a long fiction competition, and was invited to read aloud at a local University. It was fun. Many eyerolls were had when I finished, because thanks to liquid courage, I attempted to read a smexy passage with all the ardour that the piece required. 

hur hur!

But I wasn't fazed! In fact, I have been told on multiple occassions that I am pretty good when it comes to reading aloud? Why? Well, because frankly I don't give a *$5^%. There! I said it--kinda--I just don't care. Now my husband, who sat in the front row to listen to me read? Well, he might have cared a little, but all in all it was fun to stand in front of everyone, get an award and a cheque, then read a bunch of *pron* to a crowd of people I don't know.   

I honestly gotta give it to the judges though. They had good taste! And no, of course I'm not biased.

In other news--and before I get in trouble with the moderators for being too risque--I have finally finished penning another novel! Whoot. Together, my co-author and I have finally finished the first draft of Ballroom Riot 2--title pending. It feels good to finish a work in progress...

I should have used this gif earlier...

Now I am on to editing, and then after that, I shall be working on a new project with several other writers at Books We Love Publishing. I won't say too much about it right now, just because I haven't had a whole ton of time to think on it, but it's a mystery that takes place in PEI.

And also, I am going to PEI this summer! Whoot! How fortuitous. I shall spend all my time at libraries and in the fields sniffing the potatoes, and buried beneath the red, sandy beaches getting a feel for my island neighbours! 

and also paying to leave :/

 It will be exciting. Though my timeline to finish is a few years time, and I have a few other projects I hope to conclude before then, I will make sure I stick to a plan and deliever before HBO comes out with any shows based on my books. 

Get it? Because it will never happen... *cries* T_T

But then again... neither will Winds of Winter, right George?

Lies. All lies...

Nobody likes a Shady Beach by Vanessa Hawkins

 

  Vanessa Hawkins Author Page

So every month I say I'm going to get a head start on this blog so's alls I gotta do is sit back and eat Cheetos on the 8th, and every month here I am, arse in chair, struggling to figure out what I could possibly write to inspire/entertain my small train of followers who are now used to being disappointed in me...

Deep inhale... she'll get it right eventually...

But this time allow me to let you know why I am late. This time I actually have an excuse, believe it or not... I was on vacation! My family and I went to PEI which, if you are unfamiliar with Atlantic Canada, means Prince Edward Island. It's a small province east of New Brunswick, home to red 

sandy beaches, lots of potatoes as well as hay bales the size of three cows tipped together.

Hay there!

We stayed in a cottage somewhere within the middle of nowhere, saw beach goats and had a grand ol' time with family. At one point I think there was a bonfire, and we did go see Ripley's Believe it or Not, but honestly I thought the attraction was pretty... uh, well... BELIEVEABLE to say the least.  

Sorry Ripley...

The real horror story was when I found three spiders, an earwig and one beetle from dimension enormous in the bathroom over the course of a few days. Also, when I was packing, I had one spider--not included in aforementioned army of nasty cottage bugs--run over my leg in its desperate attempt to flee the premises. I actually went to bed thinking of it that night... I have spider PTSD... 

It's a joke!

But despite the mental AND emotional anguish of fending off so many minibeasts, Prince Edward Island was a fun time. I brought my spawn, who got to see her cousins for the first time, and despite being a Covid baby she was NOT super awkward around other human beings that she hadn't had the fortune of meeting before. Success! And what a heartwarming sight! My cardiovascular unit at least tripled in weight and height before it leapt up out of my throat at the sight of the beetle from big town...

So all in all, a good trip and WITHOUT having to take any... uh... medical grade enhancers... *ahem keep it kid friendly, Vanessa...* 

Wait... if you knew you were going on vacation why didn't you just plan in advance and write the blog a bit EARLIER in preparation for the intended time away? If you were any sort of decent human being with even a MODICUM of forethought, you would have prepared SOMETHING for those people who continue to drag themselves through your hastily scrawled drivel every month! How do you expect to ever make it as a writer if you can't even commit to THAT? How do you expect people to keep putting up with you? How do you--

And so did those Cavendish potatoes... Till next time!