I'm Going On A Writer's Retreat to Retreat From My Life by Vanessa C. Hawkins

 

 Vanessa Hawkins Author Page

      I'm back! Ya-a-a-a-a-a-a-ay! And if you were anywhere near Canada last month, you may have heard--or experienced--the giant internet outage that raged throughout the country. The chaos it caused! I'm talking mass hysteria! Riots in the streets! 

Okay, not really. Though it happened while I was coming home from PEI and leaving the province without access to a debit card was a bit wonky. If you've read my previous post about the Island of Prince Edward, you may know that in order to leave you need to pay money. And in a world increasingly reliant on an invisible cyber universe, not having access to your bank account can make things difficult. 

 But I escaped! And the internet is back, so I can blissfully immerse myself in stupid cat memes, tik toks and other general nonsense that keeps me from doing anything remotely worthwhile during the course of my day to day life! 

Which may be the reason I thought it was a good idea to sign up for a writer's retreat! 

Whenever I write it's always a retreat... from the crushing reality of my own inadequacies...  
*not really*.... cries

So what is a writer's retreat? Well, I suppose that depends... For me, it's offering a chance to escape the mania of my household for a weekend and browse facebook somewhere that is devoid of familial distraction and responsibilities...

For the sake of my sanity. 

But really? It's a chance to write and I'm REALLY FREAKING excited! Not because I'm going to constantly worry about wasting time, but because it's been almost three years that I've had an opportunity to focus on my writing. My husband has graciously been supportive in my decision to go, and it's only a weekend! So I mean, definitely not enough time for them to destroy the house or summon Cthulhu accidently, right? 

Nah... it will be okay. That's a problem for future me. I ain't gonna worry about it until I get back. Present me is excited! Thrilled! Already prepping my current work in progress for all the productivity I am going to encompass!

*True dat*

Maybe I'll leave the computer at home... or buy one of those fancy, old style typewriters to keep me from becoming distracted... What would you do? I suppose I could hire someone to come along and slap me across the face whenever I start browsing the toks! But that kinda defeats the purpose of being by myself for the weekend... and...

...is there such a service? 

  What if I invented one!? What if there's a catalogue of hires you can choose from. They come with you, tell you that you're a great writer and will read all your crummy drafts, SMASH that writers block. 

I think I'd need a tall dark and handsome one... who likes to walk around with his shirt off...

Maybe less Zoidberg and more Mamoa...

Maybe George R. R. Martin should go on a writer's retreat. Maybe if it works for me, I'll suggest it on his social media platform! 

 

At least it's an ending... *Cries again*

Also, how the H-E-double hockey stick does Winds of Winter already have OVER 9000 reviews on Goodreads!? IT'S NOT EVEN OUT YET PEOPLE!!!

Why am I always crying? 

Ready? Set? How to Start a Book! by Vanessa C. Hawkins

 

 Vanessa Hawkins Author Page

I have so much going on this month I think my brain is going to spontaneously combust! Which, now that I think about it, may be for the better because it's been so cold here that a little inner fire may finally warm me up. Has anyone else been enduring the chill winter frost to the point that're holding out on the chance that they may randomly explode in a fiery inferno? Just me? Darn these Canadian winters!

But back to the point, which is that this month has been a flurry of things whirling about my head demanding my attention and seldomly seeing any of it. Why? Well, because I got a new gaming system from my husband and I've been furiously hacking and slashing at baddies all month, but also because I have been trying to get a submission done for a writing contest. 

Now usually, I don't put a lot of effort into writing competitively, but I really just got the gumption to try it out this year. I am pretty cynical about my chances of winning, mostly because I am submitting an erotica and I think the judges may be too stiff to consider it thoughtfully. 

HUR HUR... stiff...

But during my foray into competitive writing, I was asked by a lovely individual-- who reached out to me curious about starting her first book--how to begin writing a story! 

Well... as you can imagine, at first I was flattered. I mean, someone was asking ME how to write a book, which would infer that SOMEONE also THOUGHT I knew how to write one! A human being, who IS real, I'll have you know! Was asking me how to start writing a book because she believed I was learned enough to give advice!

I'm so touched...

But then I wondered... well... how DO you start writing a book, Vanessa? And I had to pause, because honestly I just flew from the seat of my pants when it came to writing. I had an idea--thought up in the shower, or while pretending to poop while my husband looked after our toddler--and then I sat down and let my fingers dredge it up from the pit of my stomach onto some word document that I'd either trash later or let simmer until it condensed into something tangible. 

But... that wasn't very good advice! Oh no, I thought. I'm a fraud! A con! I don't deserve this nice woman's faith! I can't possibly tell her to go have a poop and see what pops in her head... what do I do? 

What Would Picard Do?

So I asked her first what she was writing. It helps to know what genre you're getting yourself into. Conjuring up stories on the John is all well and good, but if you're writing historical non-fiction, you may have to go number two at the library. Regardless, the best thing to do is to have some kind of outline at some point. I've talked about pantsers before, and how some people just write by the seat of their pants--

Ahem... Me.

--but it IS good practice to at least write something down in terms of getting all your ducks in a row. I mean, compiling notes and character profiles and plot points is good, when you want to make sure everything is cohesive in the end. If Scarlet Fortune, the hard-boiled detective, is off to fight crime at the beginning of the book, it may be best to ensure she's not running off in Wonderland to find the white rabbit at the end. 

Does that make sense? ...No? 

Well your story should. So having a basic outline is usually good at some point. Like I said, I tend to start off spontaneously, wait till the plot begins to form into something I can work with, then go back and scribble an outline to build upon. I mean, there are always outliers to this method. Virgina Woolf's stream of consciousness as displayed in her lighthouse book doesn't seem to follow this rule, but I personally hated that novel and wouldn't recommend it to anybody. 

But at least 'Gina finished her book, right George?

I will spontaneous combust before I ever get to read 
Winds of Winter...

 So I suppose the best advice I can give about how to start a novel is to just start it. Write some stuff down, see how you feel about it. Write some more. Erase. Plan some--or not, if that's how you roll. Write more. Succub to your own self-doubt. Cry. Write a lot more. Be proud of what you've accomplished. Finish. Then gulp down a glass a wine of four to celebrate! 

Because ultimately the easiest part of writing a book is writing it. So, sorry if this is bad news bears... but when it comes to editing, publishing, MARKETING--which is the devil, by the way--that's where things get pretty messy, and complicated. 

But writing is art! And art is nebulous. Some people like to draw things and their drawings look like the things they look like, and other people throw up on a canvass and sell that to the highest bidder. 

Shhh... I'm making art...

 So my advice is to just write. Whether you plot it first, have to do eons of research or compile photographs, the most important part of starting a book is making sure all 26 letters of the alphabet are levelled out on the page in some kind of pattern that is at least pleasing to you, the author. Worry about all the other stuff later. 

Because you can do it. 

You can do the thing!